Paradoxical Ego

I've always been fascinated by paradoxes. A statement that contradicts itself seems false by nature, but I find paradoxes in many aspects of my own identity. Identity ties together different aspects of personality, interests, and characteristics into a relevant whole, making each person unique.

Our ego serves to protect our identity. I think about ego quite often, partially because I think I am somewhat egotistical and status-seeking. The paradox arises because I simultaneously have no self-confidence and find few things to like about myself. Usually, a person's ego would make them think they are a better person than they actually are. I definitely find myself interesting, but not likeable. I am insightful, I am *painfully* self-aware, and I know myself well- these factors contribute to what encompasses a "strong ego". Some say the opposite of a "strong ego" is a "big ego", which makes you feel inadequate, impulsive, and self-critical. All of these things apply to me. Ego is supposed to be inversely proportional to self-esteem, and having a high ego is indicative of low self-esteem. But I do not relate to how people describe others with big/high egos. In fact, I've met people who have that inflated sense of self-importance and have been annoyed by their presence. I don't walk into a room thinking I am the smartest person there, in fact, I often think the opposite. 

I feel like the best phrase to describe this internal battle that I have with myself every day is 'narcissistic self-hatred'. I think about myself too much. I gain nothing from constantly thinking about all the things I hate about myself, but I can't seem to stop. I think my ego makes me this way. In my head I am the center of the universe and everyone focuses on me as much as I do myself. I am obsessed with myself. I am obsessed with *hating* myself. I can't decide whether I am the most interesting person in the world or garbage on the side of the road.