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I've always liked journaling, but especially in a quiet, albeit public space like this. I don't consider myself a strong writer, but I do like to share my thoughts for some reason. Maybe it's a part of loneliness. Maybe it's some deep desire to be heard, but to not fall on enough ears to be noticed. I have friends, people who invite me out and find my presence lifting. Even still, I have trouble reaching out to people. I don't think I've ever really considered myself a "lone-wolf" or someone who dislikes the company of others, but that is the self-fulfilling prophecy I've written for myself.
What do you do when you can accurately identify the poison but can't bring yourself to take the antidote? I fail to act time and time again and it only makes me lonely and miserable. The last time I had online friends was when I was 11 or 12, ten years ago at this point. I never lost the desire to connect with people over the internet, in fact I find it much more convenient to do so--especially for someone prone to agoraphobia like me. I'm still not sure whether or not I enjoy my own company. I find myself interesting in the same way I find moths on my kitchen window interesting.
Anyway, I think desire can be a great thing. Desire governs all of our actions in some way. Even through lack of desire, like writing a boring 18-page paper on the ethics of communication, there is a desire to perform well and be praised. Maybe desire is an ancient force which propels all of us to do as we please in order to be pleased. Was that redundant? Probably.
Right now, I think I have a desire to make new online friends. As my anxiety accelerated, it became harder for me to talk with people on voice calls and such. I feel like I'm almost ready to start again. I have to move away from all of my friends for my job next month, and at that point I hope my Desire to meet new people will cancel out my nerves.
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Pino&Bossa
That thing about having good friends who invite you to go out and share, but still not being able to connect with people, happens to me a lot. Socially I don't seem that inept, but silent anxiety kills me a lot when sharing with people, especially new ones, and I hate that this also happens to me online, because I really consider all cyber users only ones and zeros. Probably in the future I will really be left alone because of the people around me, although unfortunately I don't think it will have that much of an impact on me, people I loved have already turned their backs on me, I don't think I have much to lose.
Well, sorry for the yapping, I hope you are doing excellent at your job, day, afternoon or night.
I'm glad to see someone relating to my experience. Part of my loneliness is struggling to understand that I'm not the only one going through these feelings. I feel like part of this inability to relate to people online is the dehumanization of 'online people' versus 'real people' that you mentioned. I was basically raised on the internet. With the internet's accelerated reliance on algorithms and sentiments that gain clicks/engagement, people on the internet slowly shifted from real people to the separated sense of self you find in online personas. Or at least that is how I see it.
Humans are social creatures, and I am of the belief that we fall apart in some way when we don't get those much-needed interactions. I hope that internal desire for social interaction that is ingrained in our psyches can drive us to seek them out. After all, I'm not sure what kind of person I would become without them.
Yapping is always encourages, thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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