time just moves forward i guess. And maybe it's a good thing.

listen i'm not one for "messages of hope" but you really gotta hear me out if you're not in a good spot. mentally, physically, stuck where you don't want to be, wherever you may be. 

in march, i hit my absolute rock bottom after half a decade of trying to convince myself to go on for whatever reason may there be- wanting to prove the people who had hurt me wrong, wanting to build a better life for myself, all of that stuff. after 5 years of poorly going on like that, i just crumbled.

i felt like i was drowning. more than that, i felt like i was really dying. i felt like, truly, at that point, i had lost the war that was going on inside of my mind. 

it was different from those "rock bottoms" i had experienced before, which were really, looking back on it, just massive downward spikes in my depression.

april of this year was rough. 2 attempts in a month. absolutely no options. no way out. i felt guilty for trying to achieve such a selfish goal, but i really just couldn't go on. and idk how to explain it but something just clicked. nothing in my daily life changed. but something did change. no, i didn't think of some divine philosophy that changed my worldview or anything like that.

and this post isn't meant to be that either.

all i'm saying is,

it gets better.

it sounds so stupid, because when i was at my lowest it didn't feel like it was going to get better. it felt like endless drowning at the bottom of the sea. i couldn't find the strength to swim up because the sink down took away all of it.

time moves forward, but it left me behind. that's what i thought, as i was so frozen in the past.

but maybe time moves forward, and that's a good thing.

because as long as there's time in front of you, you can take as much as you need. as long as there's time in front of you, you can get out of the state you're in. even if it takes half a decade. even if it takes more than a decade!

if you're still here, you can go on.

you can get out of this.

if you're still here,

it gets better.

i promise it does. it really gets better.