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3, empty

I'm empty. Yesterday, after three years without my mother seeing me cry, in the middle of a fight or scolding I finally burst and began to empty myself. I asked for help, I said what I felt, and there wasn't much change...in the end I'm the one who has to change and try to be a better person but it's so difficult when all you want is to sleep and escape from yourself.

Maybe I'm just filling my mind with excuses, but for now at least I'll try to be ME and not what I want people to see... I always ruin myself so that people see that I'm bad and leave me, I should stop doing that,  I'll try to be me this time. 

The boy I like, we like each other but with a barrier in the middle because I don't want a partner... personal issues like dreaming that my partner always dies force me not to want a partner... but treating each other like a platonic relationship works... a bit.

Previously I screwed up, he screwed up, we both screwed up and it's one of the things that haunts me because I would just like to run away from our pasts, from my past, not to be the one who said any of that, just the present and that's it. I am aware that I have been a bad person EVEN when I try not to be... but I don't want to be, I want to try not to be... although obviously being a good person is not about letting people step on me...

There is nothing for me for now, and I don't want anything... for now I just want to find myself and in the meantime leave behind that dark thing that lives in my core, maybe I will be able to combat the thoughts of horror that run through my veins and achieve at least a little inner peace and alleviate the hatred that is in me. For that I must learn to be alone and not depend on people... I have always felt alone, I know I am alone, but a part of me still doesn't want to know it.

ANYWAY, I'm obsessed with a movie, it's called Vienna and the Fantomes, I like it too much and I even made a playlist and poster abt it... It has like zero fans and I can't find anyone to talk about the movie, but I still like it too much, I've already seen it four times...

I plan on decorating my hair more because it's brown n I like it blonde, but at the same time I don't want my hair to burn because it's a bit culy n well, with the discolorations it has it looks like a broom... plus, it barely reaches me to the shoulders, I want it longer...

Why do I keep blaming myself and eating myself alive for things from the past?

In a way the thing of changing and trying to act more like myself somehow excites me? because it means no longer trying to be what others want from me but what I want, even if that means trying to fight with my own procrastination and THE HEAT is hot, the heat makes me angry and makes me sweat and I hate sweating, Plus I don't know what clothes to wear when it's hot.

I bought makeup to do my makeup the way I like, I dreamed about it once and I liked it too much and I want to do my it like that... I manage to get dressed a little bit, although people see me strangely and I feel worse than a weirdo, I feel like a wolf creepy trying to look like a cute sheep,  bad comparison...Oh and I also lost slightly more weight. that makes me quite happy

That's all I guess and I HATE THE HEAT

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