Letter to nobody

Dear Internet,

it's me again!!

I'm currently sitting in my bed writing this just after re-doing my layout for the zillionth time and I wanted to reflect for a bit, so here's a brief overview of where I'm at right now in my life.

I'm 19 as of January 9th. I had the worst birthday ever this year. I had to go back to college from 10am to 10pm, and then after all of that, I was just tired as hell and wanted to sleep but, my dad invited one of my neighbors over to spend time and play board games with me. I appreciated the thought a lot but, I felt really uncomfortable because I hardly knew this person and I really just didn't wanna spend more of my birthday doing shit I didn't really want to do. I think I might try to celebrate my half-birthday this year as a sort of do-over. I get this was over a month ago but it still just sorta stings. 

I have also been doing very poorly in terms of my mental health. I'm currently fighting against relapsing in all sorts of stuff (ie: ED + SH) and I realize I've kind of been a dick lately. 

Losing friends for me has always been a cyclical thing. I make friends. I have the best time ever with them. They love me. I hate myself. I snap. They get upset and leave and I'm back to square one. But the thing this time is kinda weird and new to me. 

I recently wrote a paper from an exaggerated upper-class POV on homelessness and the issues surrounding it. In my paper, I referenced that because I had just moved from a wealthier part of my state, the divide of societal classes was more apparent to me. 

In part, I paraphrased my friends after I had asked them what they'd do if homelessness was a problem where they had lived, and they gave good ideas of how to contribute to this epidemic. By the end of the conversation, however, it became apparent it wasn't a problem for them and that's just what the conversation had amounted to. 

I turned the paper in when I was finished with it and I was proud of it. So naturally I wanted to show off something I was proud of to people who I deemed closest to me. 

And my friends took it horribly. So I left on my own before they could abandon me. 

And I know I'm most definitely overreacting over this but, I don't think I've felt more alone. 

At first, I was offended by their offense to my paper. I say stupid controversial shit all of the time, and I'm sure this was widely known amongst my friend group but, now I just feel like shit. I said hurtful things with the way my paper was written and I'm not sure if I'd be able to redeem myself for my friends. I'm not sure if they'd even accept an apology from me if I had one. 

On a lighter note, my boyfriend came to visit me for Valentine's Day. He drove 4 hours on Tuesday to come to see me. When I got home from my first round of classes that day, we snuggled in my bed and he drove me to school for my last round of classes later that night. The next day we were supposed to drive 3 hours to my hometown to buy weed but, it was too suspicious to achieve since my dad was just too nosy. So we settled on getting breakfast at IHOP, blowing money on Pokémon cards, hot topic gloves, and sexy lingerie at Spencer's. We also drove around town frantically trying to find a weed shop that wouldn't ID us since I was fiending (like the cart kween I am.) 

We didn't find a shop that would sell to us at all so we just went back to my apartment, opened Pokémon cards, ate edibles, and spent lovey-dovey time together until it was time to go to bed since I had school the next day. 

It ended up snowing a lot so my boyfriend didn't have to leave to drive back home until school ended for me. He ended up being a very brave boy and drove to the only smoke shop in town that doesn't card (courtesy of my local buddy, Stan) and he bought me a brand new cart right before he had to leave. I love him so much. 

My ex would never ever step foot in a smoke shop for me.  What a pussy. 

I also got into Littlest Pet Shop  (LPS) customizing. I bought a shitton of LPS online and one of them I bought was a fake so I was able to paint it at this game store across my street that does free DND-miniature painting on Thursday night. It's Friday now and I'm bed-rotting. 

Letting the rot consume,

Monty