Why Part I

I think a lot about how the issues of the world felt so much further away about 15 years ago when when I was young and naïve. I remember watching the mistakes of the world then play out and come today, we have learned absolutely nothing. We have global nightmare of misinformation and disinformation, a ravaging pandemic, worldwide racial inequality, human rights nightmares, coups, opposition leader jailing, wars- I mean, these things were happening when I was 17 but I guess I just was really naïve to how long it really takes for anything to change. 

There have been many things over the last 20 years that have pushed humanity toward a betterment of itself. However, that betterment of society is in clear contradictions to the dying white supremacist/Nazi power that wants to hold on just for a little longer. I remember reading an article about how as the demographics of the world changes and the demographics of the US change into a more wonderfully diverse group of people, everyone will have more power and that is a direct contradiction to the power that the old, white power class wants to hold on to. They said they will do essentially anything to hold onto that power, the power they are now realizing they are going to lose. You see these kinds of people in support of voter suppression, redlining, manipulated districting, among other anti-democratic tactics that they want to use to keep their power. When I tell you that they will do anything to keep that power, it is not a joke or to be taken lightly. 

I remember being like 15 years old and I've known I was gay since I was much younger than that. However, I had an opportunity to go to one of the most diverse districts in the United States and so while I got to experience the wonders of a diverse community first hand, knowing I was gay and was part of the expanding diversity, I saw something that contradicted that around that time. While my school district was extremely diverse, this was also a district that had a high amount of Evangelical white people who leaned conservative. I remember it being 2004 and seeing many people at school who were Christian say that they didn't agree with the "lifestyle" or "choice" of being gay, they were not aggressively against it where I was from in Michigan. That was on a micro level and on a macro level, the times were not so similar. We were not many years removed from the Matthew Shepard hate crime- not to mention all the things that have happened to the queer community that didn't get as big of a spotlight. You saw a lot of anti-gay/anti-LGBT sentiment politically. While the democrats were coming around slowly, the Republicans, as they are now, were much more hostile. The Evangelical/"family values" Republicans had a crusade against gay marriage since they believed these unions were somehow always a reflection of God or whatever other farcical bullshit they say. Unions or partnerships have been around long before Christianity was around and religion only got involved since Christians and other religions like to shove their religions into everything. Remember the Prop 8 in California? That was around 2008 and was heavily sponsored by Utah's Mormon community- so I guess they were scared "the big gay" would cross state lines without realizing many members of their community were likely queer and they were just in Narnia since they were that deep in the closet. 

As a 15 year kid trying to figure out his place in the world and understanding how much being gay was not a choice, to see the kind of hate across the board was extremely worrying. I had also had my own reckoning from Christianity around the same time. I had lost a neighbor who had four kids in the Summer of 2004 and my cousin also had a wedding at the Salvation Army and so that Summer was a pretty eye-opening experience as a waning Christian. This neighbor of mine was 44 years old and had a 5 year old kid and she died and it all happened just a few houses down from where we were having my brother's 11th birthday party. It left me with something that wouldn't stop hanging over my head- "how could someone who had so much more to do in life be taken so young with young kids?" and a lot of the answers you see from the Christian community is usually along the lines of "God needed to call home one of his angels" and they even say this about kids who die from cancer- I know it's a line I've heard from my own family as I've lost two cousins within the first first years of birthday from fatal birth defects. To me, it's a non-answer, for people who are fully entrenched in their religion, their response is easier to accept based on their beliefs, as someone who was questioning their beliefs at that time, it made zero sense and the way that people who respond to that use their beliefs to get out of explaining the truth of how hard reality is to accept when things like this happen. It's really shitty- it just didn't sit with me that I saw so many religious individuals, people who formerly wore "WWJD" bracelets be so openly hostile to living the values that their religion supposedly preached. 

As my religious disconnection was continuing, I had my own issues medically and mentally that isolated me further away from religious practices. Battling anorexia from around 2002-2005, having body dysmorphic disorder and other mental illnesses and having IBS as well, I had to really come to terms with a lot of things. This for me, was when the whole façade started to crack, and that this whole idea of being able to do anything and live freely started to completely fall apart. It was 2004 when Bush was reelected that I saw through the Republican charade. While Democrats have their own sets of issues, Republicans are firm in their ties to donors, dark money, far-right extremism and self-enrichment while pretending that their service in government is for God and Jesus. This is something that has only gotten worse in the times since. I saw many at the time using their religion as a cover for their hate. I didn't fully understand my own queerness at the time either, I obviously knew I was gay but I had no idea what to do about it  because I had been teased a lot growing up for hanging out with girls more than boys and because I didn't like all the same "manly" things as everyone else. Music was a big anchor for me and it still is, and that's one of the few things that got me through these times, I remember when George Bush was reelected after the lies of the Iraq War- a war that has shown that the true ugliness of American politics on the whole. People like to say I'm a bit much in my condemnation for the current Republican party and it's been who I have always been. The day of the 2004 election, when it was being told that Bush would win, I wore a hand-made sign on my shirt that read "A.B.B." and it said "Anyone.But.Bush" and my knowing of their contempt for people like me made me know that this disposition of theirs would be nearly impossible to change. 

Now this was just supposed to be a piece on how I'm feeling in the disconnect for life currently but that disconnect has a far reaching hand in my life. I reiterate the point that when white supremacy realizes that they are losing power, they will do anything to try and keep it. The election of Barack Obama brought the ugliest of the ugliest to the forefront. The ugly head of racism that truly has never gone away truly came into the light and they put their racism on full expose here. Barack Obama did a lot of great things and also did a lot of not so great things. Here is the thing about me though, I am someone who believes in holding politicians to account and should be criticized for working for themselves or doing things that are more destructive than constructive. When a Democrat has a major, true scandal happen, I always support them stepping down from their position and doing all they can to make amends or be held legally responsible. When a Republican commits any crime, their supporters and their fellow colleagues to everything in their power to back this awful discretion.