.:mentally unstable, finally taking care of my health, updates soon??:. (vent-ish??)

//TW: mention of suicide, depression, and couple of some other heavy topics

12:29 pst, reno, nv,

hi guys, how have you all been doing?

i'm fine i guess, just sitting here, typing on my laptop, drinking some good ol' watermelon arizona tea instead of doing assignments xD 

have you guys eaten? slept? drank? y'know i still care for y'all xD

so yes, as you can tell by the title: there's been a lot of shit going on in my plate.

trouble sleeping, then trouble waking up and getting out of bed, dissociating, headaches, suicidal thoughts most the time when something goes wrong, and fucking gender dysphoria.

i finally came out to my aunt about it last sunday, shes like the most comfortable person that i feel safe talking to. talked it out, i just didn't cry at all...i just...said it in a blank expression.. 

this death thoughts, the fact my stupid boobs and feminine appearance, i wish i wasn't born a cis girl, how i just want to sleep forever and never wake up again. 

so yeah, i might start this therapy sessions probably around after the 15th (bc its my medical appointment that day) and soon a binder possible (OH I HOPE...one time i asked my aunt when i first came out as agender, it was denied bc of my health complications and concerns at the time, but i really dont have it any more sooooo...)

(and i really cant start hrt until im 18 bc i have my grandma with us, and she doesn't like the fact that i'm not her "cIs StRaIgHt CaThOlIc GiRl" that i am now. and if i do start hrt now and i get all of these masculine features, she will freak the fuck out! and will tell my mom [who's not with us, she lives in another state...], so both of them can gang up my aunt and yell at her for making me trans, though she didn't. that's how i feel??? ugh, i wish they didn't have so many damn problems and so religious! :/) 

but anyways i'm gonna go now, and if i get into therapy, i will give you updates as i can! 

bye bye for now! 

-norcal :)