FIND WHAT YOU LOVE AND LET IT K** YOU?

I sat here on my chair with my computer to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw, even tho I kinda think Carrie is toxic, but it won't change the cool nyc apartment typing on my computer some of my thoughts with cig in my hand vibe.

Is love really the most dangerous thing? Well, bruises heal faster than heart thats right, but isn't love what makes us going? Isn't love what makes us wanna be better? Me personally, I love being a lover girl. Sometimes people make fun of me but to be honest? I'm not ashamed, I don't feel weird. I LOVE LOVE. Sometimes I let love consume me, which is not so good, but it feels so good... I love to feel deeply, it's always better than not to feel anything, been there done that as well (-10/10, I don't recommend). 

I love the word LOVE, I love my mom, jazz music, I love my comfort movies, I love my friends. As in the movie "love actually" : If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling, you'll find that love actually is all around. 

Love has many forms anyway.  But be aware of the difference between love and obsession. Obsession might be even more dangerous (100%). You might think you're in love but in reality you're just stuck to being obsessed, you'll eventually lose yourself. 

I love love (once again)  but as a person with BPD i don't take breakups very well, so I will avoid them until I can but it sucks because it's not my choice, it's not in my hands most of the time. Like why do we even need to break up, right? Just kidding. It's hard being so self aware and mentally ill at the same time, like you know what's right and what's not but you can't help it anyway. 

Well this is my first one so I might just end it here.

Anyway here's something old I wrote to feel better.

I dyied my hair, I changed my style, I got new tattoos and I changed my parfum, so I don't have to be the same person that loved you so deeply, but it didn't work- I can't change my heart.

How to live in a apartment, where we used to love each other? How to sleep in a bed, where we got engaged? How to smoke on a balcony where we used to hang out whole summer until the sun disappeared? How to use kitchen that's been only used by you, how to sit on a couch where we used to gossip and where I took nice pictures of you? How to listen to Lana Del Rey without shedding a tear or two, how to get to the places we wanted to visit? How to drive through the same way I used to get to you, until you got to me. 

I don't know, but I will know how to love someone else, If not you.

I will learn how to love again. I will make another memories in this flat. I'll learn how to cook and I'll get new sheets. I listened to Lana since I was eleven (i'll be fine). I'll watch all the movies and visit new places, I will find another way.

I have my family to take care of, I have friends to look forward to hang out with, I have my pet bestfriend to comfort me, I have my best friend to talk to. 

THE WORLD DIDN'T END WHEN YOU LEFT, IT ONLY STOPPED FOR A WHILE.

-R